I'm truly not putting this out there for attention or anything like that, however, I feel this is something that needs to be said...after seeing a memory on my time hop of a incident i felt a deep urge that I needed to share my story. everyone has their opinion of what they'd do if they were ever in my shoes. But the reality is, if you've never lived it, you really DONT KNOW what'd you'd do!
Being the spouse that is subject to constant abuse, may it be emotionally or physically, is a hard place to be in itself. Add the fact that you have kids together makes your choices that much harder! I hear it all the time, "if it were me, I'd have done this or I’d have done that!" But until you actually live it, you don't truly know what you'd do! I love my beautiful, amazing kids with every fiber of my being, which is why over the past 12years I made the choices that I made, because I THOUGHT it was what was right by them, not me, not my ex, but for my kids! I THOUGHT growing up in a "2 parent" home was best for them. No matter what I had to deal with. I thought I could take the brunt of his anger to keep my kids well supplied and in a 2 parent home and keep my kids happy, no matter how miserable and sad and scared of him I was. All I wanted was what was best for my babies.. looking back I see that I did more damage by staying then I could have ever done by leaving.
I've always and continue to be the one to be blamed why life is so hard now for all of us, but that's ok. I'll take that blame knowing I'm alive and my children are the happiest I have ever seen them.

I  now have full custody of my kids, which I feel is justified! But as of today everything that's happened is mine and mine alone’s fault for happening! An abuser will never take responsibility for their actions. They always blame someone else for things being the way they are! Honestly, I'm tired of being blamed for things, I'm tired of being told "you should've done this or that"! Until you've lived it, you really don't know what that life is like! I've finally made that final break from my abusive ex of 12 years and at some points and times it has been the hardest thing I have ever done yet it is completely worth it to not have to walk on eggshells to avoid an argument that could turn into physical violence in a matter of seconds and to have my children have to witness that.
I had to really make my mind up that I was ready in order to get away, not for my safety, but for my kids safety and stability and correct thought process of what a relationship between man and woman SHOULD be! No one deserves to be hit, especially over stupid stuff! No child deserves to see their parents physically violent! Home is where they should feel most content. Home life should be a happy and violence free life for children! With that being said after two years I finally have the courage to share my story, I've never done this before but I feel like if it just helps one person get away and out of a terrible situation then it is worth it in the end.

At the young age of 12 years old I met him. After that time for the next few years we just talked on the phone and communicated online. At age 15 he moved back to Kentucky and so we decided to go out on a date. I was just coming into my boy crazy stage and for a young romance everything seemed so perfect at first. At age 16 I found out I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. We of course freaked out being so young and we was going to have a baby. A few months later he proposed to me and a few months after that we got married before we had our daughter. Although young we both tried to make it work for the sake of our little family. Looking back now I remember certain parts of our young relationship being controlling. At that point and time it was never physical though, so Me being young and scared I pushed my feelings of hesitation aside because I didn't think I could raise a child by myself. I remember the smallest arguments he would always threaten to leave and I would have to BEG him to stay. He would act like he was doing me a favor and I owed him something for him staying around. Once I had our daughter then the first signs on physical abuse started when I was about 17, It was small/ minor incidents and he would always act as though he didn't mean to do it and it wasn't on purpose.

 From age 18- 23 there were minor physical incidents, tons of emotional and mental abuse, him cheating on me several times and all of it to be made out to be my fault somehow. As though I was the one that did wrong, I was the one that caused it, it was ALL MY FAULT.  By age 23 I had left and came back several times and to say our relationship was rocky was a understatement. We then got a oppurtunity for a fresh start. It was out of state and a great job and opportunity for our family. We would then move out of state( in our minds away from all of the triggers, things that caused problems, and people that caused problems in our relationship). Not even one year after moving he starts using hard drugs and when he takes these drugs it brings out the inner most demon/monster in him something and someone I had never seen before. He became very Paranoid, abusive both mentally, verbal and physical.

One night we were going to have a date night together. Kids would go to the babysitters and we would have some time to work on us.. we were having a great time and then just like that a light switched, the night ended with him calling the cops after he chokes me and because he had scratch marks on him we both went to jail for domestic violence.

The marks are his handprints that caused bruising

At the age of 25 our children go to ky for the summer with grandparents and we decide to go to New Orleans for the day. 

The day started off good. We did all the tourist kind of things that you are supposed to do and we were having a great time, then it all changed in the blink of an eye... there was one small disagreement about a situation and there was a verbal argument in the streets of New Orleans . I was embarrassed so I took a cab and went back to our truck. He shortly followed when in the arguing continued and only

Got worse from there. While sitting in the truck he struck me several times the last of those being the worst and I begged him to stop and just calm down. He then yelled at me because once again its always my fault and got out of the truck and took off walking and pouting.I sat there and cried for a good five minutes until I felt something on my face. It was blood! I looked in the mirror and saw that the gash was very deep and that I needed stitches.. I chased him down the road and told him that I needed to go to the hospital. I recall the whole way to the hospital I was the one having to console him.  He cried, he felt bad, he said he needed to go to jail and at that time he was the only one with a job supporting our family and we couldn't afford for him to go to jail and so I then told the hospital that I tripped on my flip flop and had to receive 9 stitches above my eye. 

9 stitches

Once again for the days following he begged and pleaded with me that he was a changed man and that it was the beer he was drinking that caused him to do it.  I accepted his excuse and made everyone believe that I really did just trip on my flip flop. I tried to make him feel ok about what he done to me and comfort him instead of it needing to be the other way around .

At age 26 we moved into a new home- once again a new start the first night in our new home he came home acting paranoid and drugged out of his mind and started once again blaming me for having someone in the home and he was bound and determined to find that person. He tore the whole house apart looking for someone that he just knew 

Was there...Once he didn't find anything he yelled and screamed at me and then started hitting me and I fell to the ground once on the ground he tackled me. He then strangeled me. I tried to push him off, I tried fighting him off,  I tried everything in my power to get him off of me and nothing was working. After a certain point of fighting I just remember I stopped and had given up. In my mind I knew I was going to die that night. I blacked out and I woke up to my oldest daughter hitting him and screaming at him to get off her mommy. He finally stopped and got up and once again he called the cops and he told them that I had attacked him. While on the phone with the cops he got out a knife and started cutting himself on his hands and said that I came after him with a knife once I saw the knife I took my daughters and myself in a bedroom and locked the door until the cops could get there. Once they came we came out of the room. I had a busted lip, black eye, and hand marks around my neck but the thing that hurt the worse out of all of it is that my daughter saw it happen, my daughter saw him in that state and form. The cops interviewed us all and ended up arresting him. I left him in jail for a full week of him pleading and begging that he had changed and it was the drugs of the reason he did it.  During the time of him being in jail his grandmother had passed away and he begged me to get him out so that he could pay his respects. I wanted to believe that it was the drugs I wanted to believe he loved me as

Much as I loved him, I wanted to believe that he was a changed man and that it really was the drugs 

and not him so I then reluctinley bailed him out of jail. Even then for about a month he slept in one 

room and I slept in another with the girls with the door locked because I still didn't trust him. He proved to me that he was off drugs and learnt his lesson and he was a changed man.

After that time there were plenty of up and downs but I left in May 2015. During that time I started to gain some of my independence back but I still wasn't where I wanted to be in life and I felt as though things weren't moving quick enough. The time period in which I was gone he begged for me to come back, and in July of 2015 I did just that. He was out of state and so I decided to fly there for 2 wks without the girls to make sure it was a safe situation to bring the girls back into. 5 days after I left I found out that my parents had filled for temporary custody of my girls because they didn't want them going back into a abusive situation or being around that kind of mess. I was devastated. My kids were my whole life! If I would have ever known that something like that would have happened I would have never ever ever went back. For the next two months I was sad, mad, hurt, depressed and just plum miserable. I wouldn't leave the house, I didn't want my life if my kids weren't in it. I took my anger out on my parents because in my eyes THEY TOOK MY KIDS! HOW DARE THEM! Looking back on the situation it was the best worst thing that has ever happened to me. So as the months went on I fought to get my kids back with him still by my side but slowly but surely things went back to how the once were... how they always went back to. I was hurt and felt so betrayed. I was miserable in my life. Considering that I was still mad at my parents for what they did... I was stubborn and didn't want to call them and tell them that they were right once again and I was once again wrong 😔things progressively got worse from his drug use to the abuse. Every day got even worse. I was pushed into bathtubs, punched like a punching bag, and even pushed through a glass window. I finally decided to put my pride aside and call my parents to let them know that I was truly done and I was in the wrong.. and wanted to come home. That was  November of 2015. Since that time my life has completely turned around for the better. Don't get me wrong at first it was so hard.. he was the only man that I had ever loved. It felt like my heart truly shattered into a million pieces.  But I knew for myself and for my kids that I could not go back. I knew that as soon as I went back I would regret my decision. It's like when I was away from him I wanted him back but when we were together I hated it! It's so hard to break loose from the reins though. Him being the narcissist that he is couldn't stand to see me walk away and every other time in the past all of his tricks and lies had worked on me. I just needed time and distance to heal, yet he knew that so in the last two years i have been sweet talked, lied to, threats of my life and my family's have arose. Even when things go back to half way being normal with him for our children's sake it always goes back to the same thing time and time again. Because of that he has lost all the people that meant the most to him. You can only give someone so many chances before you finally realize that nothing is ever going to change with the relationship. Truthfully I didn't realize how unhealthy my relationship was until I got into a healthy relationship and seen what " normal " is. 

I know reading this people are going to think to themselves and wonder why on earth anyone would ever stay after even one of those

Things happening.. and I ask myself that a lot now looking back and I have had some time and distance from the situation.  On average it is reported that it takes a abused woman 7 times to leave before staying gone for good. There were many reasons for me that I stayed.. the main one being my girls. People also always ask me why I didn't hit back.. truthfully through it all when he acted like that or when the situations occurred all I wanted to do was de escalate the situation vs making it worse. I felt like if I did hit back then the situations could have been worse. 

If anyone is in a situation and you need to talk or you need help getting out of the situation please don't hesitate to contact me at 502-249-4739 or contact the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

I know it is hard, I know you might be scared, I know you might not want to go live in a domestic violence shelter. I have been there and felt all of those things but it is not ever going to get any better until you take the first step. You might think they are going to change, you might hope and pray they are going to change.. but only by the grace of god will it ever change.

This wasn't the easiest thing to share with you guys but after 2 years I feel that I am ready to share my story in hopes to help someone that needs to read this or might need my help. 

"On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good, according to The National Domestic Violence Hotline. And although society might question this statistic, and how it is possible for survivors to return to their abusers, there are many factors that play into leaving an abusive relationship permanently."

❤️❤️❤️Jeanna❤️❤️❤️

Today I am thankful for my beautiful daughters and my amazing fiancé. I am thankful for my parents and brother sticking by me through it all.

❤️❤️❤️❤️